feeling, not feeling

"One cloud is enough to eclipse all the sun." - Thomas Fuller

Last night the phone rang. Nothing could have prepared me for the news. Someone I knew had died. Not just died, but killed himself.

To me, he was an authority, a mentor, and a friend. I couldn't believe it. Not him. How could he... and then I was numb.
And then I was angry. Really, really angry at him. Why did he do this? Him? No, not him. He had been ill for a while. But he was getting better. He was. Everybody said so. At least physically.

Why hadn't he sought help when he started to become depressed? He knew the signs. He knew what to look for. I felt so angry at him. And yet, knowing the person he was, I knew how bad things must have been for him to have felt there was no way out. A cloud had eclipsed all his sun. And I felt deeply deeply saddened.

He spent his life helping others. A community is devastated by this loss. And as with any death, there is guilt. Should I have done more? Been more supportive? And I am numb.

And so I swing from emotional anaesthesia to overload and back again, and there are no words... sufficiently express...

He was my friend, and I will miss him.