wheelbarrow words

stupid score

2006-03-23T11:08:00.000-08:00

I'm totally smart me. This proves it, obviously. Via dr phunk

visited states

2006-02-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

On my recent journey across the pond, I managed to add Pennsylvania to my list of states in the USA that I've visited. Now I'm at 21%. It looks like this.

create your own personalized map of the USA

caring christmas trees

2005-12-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

This seems like a really good idea (if you're in the Edinburgh area).

For the cost of one tree, they provide a homeless person with a hot meal, a bed for the night, and breakfast. And they're no more expensive than your usual tree. I'm getting one.
caringchristmastrees.com

graffiti

2005-12-01T12:28:00.000-08:00

create your own graffiti here

move over atkins, here come the warriors

2005-09-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

Ohnonotagain. Yet another new diet fad is set to sweep the nation. The Warrior Diet is the latest craze in the diet world. It is an eating plan that is said to mimic the habits of cave-dwellers, who tended to eat just one hearty meal a day, after killing their prey.

The idea is to snack on fruit and nuts during the day, then to have just one meal - as much as you like - between 5pm and 7pm. This is currently being studied by researchers at the Laboratory of Neurosciences at America’s National Institute of Aging, but has been dismissed by UK nutritionists as "another gimmick".

Personally speaking, this is similar to the way I've been eating for years. It's not because I'm "dieting" as such, but just that it's an eating plan that seems to suit me. I'm one of those lucky people who've never really been overweight, though at times I've been heavier than I would like, but I seem to be able to maintain my weight around an acceptable level. Yes, I'm a bitch, I know.

So I've decided I'm going to bring out my own diet plan soon - keep an eye out for it hitting the shops in the near future. It's going to be called "Eating Sensibly and Doing a Little Exercise". Catchy title huh?

memoirs of a festival floozy : #43 elijah wood

2005-09-08T02:22:00.000-07:00

just how are your eyes so blue, young hobbit?

letter to america

2005-09-08T02:02:00.000-07:00

Declaration of Revocation
(purportedly written) by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #42 simon amstell

2005-09-06T14:05:00.000-07:00

The gay, jewish, cute, curly-haired one off Popworld, hosts this "last minute alternative" - a sort of chat show, with fellow comedian guests. The curly one is quite cheekily apt at this sort of thing when he does his stints at interviewing pop celebs on the box, so this should have been right up his street. A chat show where the host is usually funny, the guests are usually funny, and the audience is well up for it, should work. It should. Sadly, it didn't. 2 stars.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #41 dara o' briain

2005-09-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

Far too verbally hyperactive for a big guy. That's what I thought. But his enthusiastic dynamism won me in the end. My favourite bit was his wry observations about his personal race with technology. Ah, I'm losing that one too, Dara. This fast and furious funnyman kept me grinning for the full hour. That's not bad at all.
3 and half stars for the Irish whirlwind.

google moon

2005-09-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

Bored of Google Earth? Try Google Moon

memoirs of a festival floozy : #39 afterhours @ pleasance dome

2005-09-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

My impersonator, Alun Cochrane, was the compere for this late night dose of comedy, showcasing Demetri Martin, Stewart Lee, some-guy-whose-name-I-cant-remember, and Jason Byrne.

As it was Afterhours, Alun was a tad saucier than during his own earlier evening show, and did a sterling job in getting the crowd's enthusiasm going for the night ahead.

First up, Demetri Martin. You just can't go wrong with Demetri Martin. He's reliable. This 2003 perrier award winner is consistently funny. Cute, subtle, cerebral humour that had me aching for more.

Next was some-guy-... I'm sorry I can't recall his name, but his act was the epitome of mediocrity. So, really, no great loss there.

Third in the firing line, I mean line-up, was Stewart Lee. The first time I saw him @ Spank!, he was really funny. Unfortunately, this was exactly the same routine, in its entirety. From other reviews of his own show (90's comedian), it seemed like it was all the same stuff he repeatedly produced. Funny the first time, but now wearing a little thin, and overall I was pretty disappointed.

Finally, as an antithesis, was Jason Byrne - nothing short of brilliant. This was pure, perfect improvisation from start to finish, and one of the highlights of my Fringe this year. I will definitely try and catch his show, should he decide to grace us with his presence next year. Fingers crossed.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #26 dj danny

2005-08-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

What do you get if you put a hyperactive Maths teacher and a quiet RE teacher, with a mixing deck and some phat and cheesy tunes? You got it.

This was much much better than it actually sounds. DJ Danny's energy and enthusiasm are infectious, as he takes us on a seven-step journey to attaining Superstar DJ status.

A bellyachingly fun time was had by all. 3 and half stars.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #25 henri cartier-bresson exhibition

2005-08-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

@ the Dean Gallery.
The only downside to this truly superb exhibition, was that I had to peer over the shoulders of half of Edinburgh in order to view it. There are hundreds of photographs in 5 rooms.

Apparently HCB had planned much of the detail for this exhibition himself, before he died, aged 95, just over a year ago.

These weren’t just old photographs, a bit of reflective learning pointed that out. These were historical documents from the master of reportage photography, and the founder of modern day photojournalism. It sends a chill down your spine when you realise that some of the photos of Chinamen were taken in the forbidden City of Pekin a couple of days before the Communist forces entered, and that these old fellows probably died. HCB and his photos got out on the last civilian plane.

As Edinburgh is said to be the only UK venue on this exhibition's International tour, it is definitely worth seeing vaut le detour.

And even if you have no car, you can get a free National Galleries bus from The Mound every 45 mins.

5 stars. Do not miss this.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #22 green velvet

2005-08-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

@ the honeycomb. a glorious night of mindless, rhythmic jumping around to the sublime beats provided by this techno god. this is hot, sweaty, dance music at its best.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #15 josie long & dan nightingale

2005-08-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

An audience with...
Josie Long is a star in the making. Though she’s not to everyone’s taste - a significant proportion of the audience were simply bemused, rather than amused. But Josie’s half hour of rambling comedy had me giggling in the aisles. After all she does have “the best confectionary based rock anecdote on the Fringe”. Pure class.

Dan Nightingale (alternative racist) is a very funny guy too. But he’s a friend, and I’m biased.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #12 spank!

2005-08-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

Midnight. 6 comedians. 2 comperes. Lots of laughs. Lots of beer. A little full-frontal nudity. Well, what else do you want on a Saturday night?

3 stars. Good, but could do better.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #11 alun cochrane

2005-08-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

Comedy with sad bits. As lanky, likeable, Yorkshireman Alun commenced his show (which is mostly comedy, hardly any sad bits) by talking about food, one thought struck me. This man is me. Or rather, I am Alun Cochrane (without the hot pineapple). From his obsession with the perfect sandwich, to his purchasing a Melton Mowbray pie as a wee treat for doing the shopping, and even down to his observations on Pelzer’s books – this man was articulating my thoughts exactly. It was really quite freaky, and enormously funny to boot.

Even when the fuses had blown and we were plunged into darkness, Alun continued to shine. 4 stars. Excellent.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #7 adam buxton

2005-08-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

Better known as half of TV comedy duo Adam and Joe, Adam braves the Fringe solo, as his wonderfully-created woeful character Pavel. Looking like a cross between a tramp and a terrorist (it was a good idea to get out of London) with his big bushy beard, he performs a play-type comedy – a sort of long, hilarious soliloquy, punctuated by cleverly manipulated video clips (I never realised Star Trek could be so funny), and just a smidgeon of audience participation. I must just have one of those faces I guess.

This was clever, well-prepared and a joy to watch. 4 stars. Excellent.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #3 stephen k amos

2005-08-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

100 greatest things – his personal take on list shows. He’s intelligent and well-spoken and downright rude, but very very funny, and ultimately, that’s what counts. I was pleased to see I got a look-in at number 60 “doctors” and gave a little whoop to celebrate. As it turns out, this is a surefire way to get picked on. He was easy on me though (compared with the unfortunately situated lady in the front row whom he systematically humiliated) and I am thankful for that.

The venue was small and it was far too hot inside, but overall this was a very good performance. 3 and a half stars. Recommended.

memoirs of a festival floozy : #1 Patrick Monahan

2005-08-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

Roadmap to Peace. Billed as a one-man ethnic melting pot, Pat Monahan is the funniest Irish-Iranian Geordie I've ever met. I first saw him 2 years ago as a compere at the Fringe - then a promising young comedian with oodles of charm. He's still very funny, and is just such a super-nice guy too, he'll have you eating out of the palm of his hand in no time. More than just one to watch. One to go for a drink with afterwards.

Memoirs of a Festival Floozy : Intro

2005-08-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

The long-awaited Edinburgh Festival has finally started, and I can hardly contain myself. I love the Fringe in all her flawed beauty. Every year she takes me by surprise, and brings me to my knees, and makes me beg her to enslave me. And in return she hears my groans of pleasure and pain, as my heart breaks, and I fall in love again and again, night after night. Bring it on.

In Shock

2005-07-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

There have been a series of explosions in London this morning. It is thought there were 6 on the Underground, and 1 on a bus in Tavistock Square. We still have no clear picture of the number of casualties, but police have confirmed 2 dead. All underground stations have been evacuated. It is a terrible, terrible thing. We are all shocked.
Read more here

scintillating scotoma

2005-05-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have migraines. Occasionally they are preceded by a visual aura. A typical scintillating scotoma. Defined as "a localized area of diminished vision edged by shimmering lights or zig-zags; in many people it indicates the onset of migraine".

It's a scary thing to experience for the first time - and yet somehow incredibly beautiful too. This shot reminded me of that first scintillating scotoma - scary and simultaneously exhilarating. It made me realise how fragile our perception of the world could be. Ultimately I'm glad I experienced it. The headache and vomiting that followed, I could live without.

WHO meets Gates

2005-05-24T05:25:00.000-07:00

Bill Gates, self-professed optimist, addressed the World Health Assembly in Geneva this week, highlighting the plight of the world's poorest countries.

He spoke of the "tragic, incredible inequity between the health of the people in the developing world and the health of those in the rest of the world". And to prove he's not an all-mouth-no-trousers kind of guy, he has more than doubled the resources for the Health Foundation he created in 2003, to a cool $450 million.
Read more here.

GO NOW VOTE (please)

2005-05-05T19:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly known for my over-patriotism, but I strongly believe everyone who CAN vote today, should. (Let's briefly also mention those who CAN'T vote here in the UK.) You owe it to yourselves and your country! Those people before you, who fought and died for this right. Go make them proud.

Wallace and Gromit's makers have also made a fab wee video for non-voters... (via complete lack of surprise.)

So for the UK General (or for that matter, the Palestinian Municipal) Election, if you haven't done already, go now and vote!

blog blog

2005-05-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

My main blog, wheelbarrow, has been invaded and taken over by photos - that's ok - I'm better at taking pictures and I kind of like it like that. But sometimes I want to write about stuff too, hence the *new* blog section. The words were there at the beginning (or Big Ning, as my uncle says), and they'll be there at the end goddammit.

european countries visited

2005-05-03T07:08:00.000-07:00

create your personalized map of europe

feeling, not feeling

2004-11-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

"One cloud is enough to eclipse all the sun." - Thomas Fuller

Last night the phone rang. Nothing could have prepared me for the news. Someone I knew had died. Not just died, but killed himself.

To me, he was an authority, a mentor, and a friend. I couldn't believe it. Not him. How could he... and then I was numb.
And then I was angry. Really, really angry at him. Why did he do this? Him? No, not him. He had been ill for a while. But he was getting better. He was. Everybody said so. At least physically.

Why hadn't he sought help when he started to become depressed? He knew the signs. He knew what to look for. I felt so angry at him. And yet, knowing the person he was, I knew how bad things must have been for him to have felt there was no way out. A cloud had eclipsed all his sun. And I felt deeply deeply saddened.

He spent his life helping others. A community is devastated by this loss. And as with any death, there is guilt. Should I have done more? Been more supportive? And I am numb.

And so I swing from emotional anaesthesia to overload and back again, and there are no words... sufficiently express...

He was my friend, and I will miss him.

Warning: Listening to Rock and Heavy Metal Can Seriously Damage Your Health!

2004-09-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

Researchers in Brussels report three young men who experienced sudden chest pain and shortness of breath while attending rock concerts or standing near an amplifier in a dance hall. All had developed pneumothorax. A fourth patient sustained the condition while listening to a 1000 watt base box situated in his car boot.

A pneumothorax occurs when air leaks into the potential space between the lung and the chest wall, and can cause the lung to collapse. The researchers speculate that repetitive pressure changes in the high energy-low frequency range of the sound exposures, found in heavy metal and rock music, are likely to be responsible.

Soon to fill our lungs the hot winds of death. The gods are laughing, so take your last breath... - Metallica (Ride the Lightning)

naive and dangerous?

2004-09-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

How can Bush profess to value the sanctity of life whilst condemning millions of women to die?
How can a nation be blind to the inherent contradictions in their leader's policies? How can the world survive another term of GWB? America pays dearly for its leader's decisions, at the cost of world respect. For the world however, the price is heavier.

Festival Diaries #11: Ross Noble

2004-09-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

..had to be performing in the most comfortable venue by far. The soft padded seats of the EICC were enormously soporific, so Mr Noble had his work cut out trying to keep his audience from falling asleep. Fortunately this funnyman truly surpassed my expectations, and I was bent double with laughter during the first half of his show.

Somehow after the interval, his spark was a little less bright as he went on to cheaply jeer at religions, politics, etc. During the whole second half it seemed Ross wanted laughs so much, that he went a little too close to the wire.

However; I loved the Princess Diana Fountain/Memorial Truck bit - "she was just a posh lass who died" - and Ross' portrayal of the Scouse seag-girl was spot on. The venue was perhaps a bit odd for such a gig, but it didn't alter the fact that, for the most part, Ross Noble was brilliantly funny.

Festival Diaries #7: The Real Thing

2004-08-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

Mark Thomas is as Sharp as a tack. Sharp with a capital 'S'. He leaves me in awe every time I see him. He is passionate and engaging and very, very funny. I love the way he uses his comedy to enlighten his audience about atrocities throughout the world.

This time he has taken on the mother' of multinationals - Coca-cola - exposing their deplorable Nazi past, and ongoing human rights violations throughout the world. Yes, it's political and anarchic humour but most importantly it's laugh-out-loud, bellyachingly funny.

Having said that, it obviously isn't everyone's cup of cola... this is clever, cerebral comedy and so if you're looking for easy, cheap laughs or slapstick, this is definitely not for you.

ASRWU - part seventeen

2004-08-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

After the show we spent our last hours in Boston eating bad Mexican junk food and chatting intermittently with a bickering couple in some dive of a restaurant. Of course they weren’t bickering when we first spoke to them, but you know how you can sometimes unwittingly and surreptitiously be drawn into someone else’s argument? No? Must just be me then.

After debating the merits of leaving the Eastern seaboard for the deserts of Arizona, we made our excuses and left. We were departing for Florida on an early morning flight by which time our chilled bones were aching for vitamin D. It had snowed 2in overnight, and looked like an icy fairytale wonderland. So we said goodbye to the freezing Massachusetts climate and headed happily to the Sunshine State.

fly away

Free the Benghazi Six

2004-08-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

These 6 convenient foreign scapegoats, comprising 5 Bulgarian nurses and a Palestinian doctor (Kristiyana Valcheva, Nasiya Nenova, Valentina Siropulo, Valya Chervenyashka, Snezhana Dimitrova, and Dr Ashraf Jum'a al-Hajuj), were rounded up in the Libyan city of Benghazi, imprisoned, and charged with deliberately spreading a lethal infection, a charge to which they confessed under torture.

After five and a half years in judicial limbo, a Kafkaesque high court judge ignored expert evidence that the infections must have begun before the healthcare workers had even set foot in Libya, and ordered them to be executed for causing 400 children to be infected with the HIV virus in the hospital where they had been employed. Expert witness statements were mistranslated, and it seems sheer xenophobia took over, as the Benghazi six were sentenced to death by firing squad.

Local ignorance runs rife, as friends of those who died danced on to the streets to welcome the verdicts with whoops of joy. The condemned medics are awaiting appeal whilst profoundly inadequate "quiet diplomacy" is being urged on the Bulgarian government. This is simply not enough. If you can help, contact the Bulgarian Medics Solidarity Project.

Sanctioning the Demonisation of Black and Asian Youth?

2004-08-10T04:00:00.000-07:00

This is the reality of Britain today... Political correctness and paperwork are undermining our police... The Macpherson report recommended that the police keep a record of every stop they make - and that anyone stopped by the police should be able to see a record of that paperwork... Conservatives would not implement this recommendation... Increased stop and search is part of the solution to rising crime.

Home Office plans to give all people stopped by police a receipt - detailing their race and why they were stopped - would be scrapped in the event of a Tory victory, Mr Howard announced. The receipt scheme was recommended by the Macpherson inquiry into the racist killing of black teenager Stephen Lawrence, as a way of discouraging police from using "stop powers" disproportionately against black and Asian people.

It comes just a month after figures showed the number of Asians targeted by stop and search powers had risen 302%. Black people have also been targetted, being 6 times more likely to be stopped by police than a white person.

So this is Mr Howard's vision of reality in Britain; nobody to police the police, and the government sanctioning the demonisation of black and Asian youth.

Festival Diaries #3: Best of the Fest

2004-08-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

It seemed rather strange going to see a show called "Best of the Fest" when the festival has only just begun; surely you could only decide what was best AFTER the festival? Despite the incongruity of the situation, we were in good spirits for the show. Well, it was Friday night and we were ready to laugh.

The host of the evening; the unassuming, very likeable Irishman Dara O'Briain kept us grinning as he introduced the acts, the first of which was a homegrown boy, Des Clarke, with his own brand of bewildering babble. Definitely one to watch in the future.

Also performing was the superb Aussie Adam Hills. Sweet, charming and genuinely friendly, he has the audience eating out of the palm of his hand. Oh and he's funny too.

Last up on stage was the inimitable Rich Hall as Otis Lee Crenshaw. I was crying with laughter when I saw his own show a couple of years back. This performance was too short by far, but he remains a personal favourite - I urge you to see him.

Festival Diaries #2: Still Not Sorry

2004-08-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

Natalie Haynes is a funny woman. She was billed as having a "perennial fixation on death ..and maths" which really doesn't do her show justice (although death features often in her stand-up routine). This is worth a look simply for the eye-opening secrets of the smurfs - you never knew they had a dark side, did you?
Recommended.

Festival Diaries #1: Hunter

2004-08-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

Heh.. Look how many people came to watch me practise! quipped Reginald D Hunter on his first night, as festival season gets underway. His show this year a mystery wrapped in a nigga is full of attitude, and somehow manages to be both charming and incredibly vulgar. Sometimes funny to the point of bellyache, often rude, and always entertaining.
Highly recommended.

Preparing for Emergencies

2004-08-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

Very funny take on the new booklet that the government here are planning to distribute to each and every household in the UK. Preparing for Emergencies - what you need to know by Her Majesty's Department of Vague Paranoia.
- via Aidan.

Death of the DNA master

2004-07-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

Francis Crick, known for being co-discoverer of the structure of DNA and the way genetic material is replicated, died yesterday.
"I think I was always interested in science as early as I can remember.
..And because I asked so many questions [my parents] bought me something called Children's Encyclopedia.
..And I absorbed this with great enthusiasm and I think I must have at that stage decided to be a scientist.
But I did confide to my mother, I said, "You know by the time I grow up everything would have been discovered." She said, "Don't you worry! When you grow up there will be plenty left for you to discover." So I think that is really how it happened."
Dr. Francis Crick (1916-2004)

A Sad Day

2004-07-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a sad day. Médecins Sans Frontières announced the withdrawal of all their aid workers from Afghanistan after 24 years of continuous healthcare provision in the country. The announcement came after the targetted killing of 5 MSF workers earlier this year followed by the government's lack of response to the killings.

In addition the Taliban unjustly stated that the MSF would continue to be potential targets as they work for American interests. One of the founding MSF principles upholds the separation of aid from political interests - they aim to provide aid on a solely humanitarian basis.

Unfortunately, these principles have been undermined by the US-backed coalition who attempted to "win hearts and minds" by distributing leaflets (May 2004) which essentially blackmails the residents of southern Afghanistan, stating that they must provide the coalition forces with information regarding Taliban and al Qaeda if they wanted the provision of humanitarian aid to continue.

All of this has made the safe delivery of humanitarian aid to Afghanistan impossible. Ultimately it is the impoverished and ill that suffer.
Like I said, a sad day indeed.

ASRWU - part sixteen

2004-07-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

Rock ’n’ roll wasn’t the reason we were frequenting the Middle East on our weekend in the city. We had heard that a young up-and-coming fashion designer was hosting her show there. Although it was advertised as a “punk rock fashion show” I felt the description was slightly misleading. I imagined teenagers with body-piercings and Mohicans wearing ripped tights and “Anarchy” badges – but it was actually more futurisitic and a whole lot cooler than that. I think I would have categorised it as “cyberpunk”, though I actually don’t think the word exists other than to describe a particular type of science fiction writing – but if clothes could be represented by book genres, then this was most definitely “cyperpunk”.

Hmmm... Actually that got me thinking. If your clothes were a book genre, which one would they be? I wear two distinct book-types. There’s my work wardrobe, and my play wardrobe. The work books I wear are quite boring, say, Reference Textbook – no, hang on; they’re feistier than that, with greater global appeal – more like Popular Science, yeah. And I’d put my play clothes in the Contemporary Fiction section (although I’m sure some items would be better suited to Sci-Fi). And my shoes? Well, Modern Classics obviously.
Sorry came over all tangential there for a while. Enjoy some pictures while I recover.

cyberpunk fashion - Boston style

ASRWU - part fifteen

2004-07-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

If you then take red line to Central Sq you are in the territory of the Middle East. This is a funky bar/restaurant/venue which has, on one exterior wall, an enormous mural, hugely reminiscent of Bollywood posters.
On our way in we were briefly accosted by 2 art students asking our opinion on the facade. Unfortunately they reinforced the insular American stereotype when they failed to recognize the name of the world’s largest producer of films.

The Middle East is billed as the epicentre of rock in Boston. Apparently anyone who has ever thought of playing a gig in the Boston area, or has toured through town has, at one point or another, walked through their doors. The Middle East goes out of its way to give you quality music, food and drinks at bargain prices... Sure, the floors are sticky and the bathrooms can get nasty, but this is rock 'n' roll. Nobody said it was going to be neat.

wake up neo

2004-07-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

As the Butler report, published today, looks set to tear holes in the case for the Iraq war, Bush's British lying boy-puppet is bracing himself for fresh criticism. But will it make any real difference? We already know that Pinocchio Blair has a wooden heart.

And it seems we can't trust the British media to give us a fair, unbiased account. In a recent report Monbiot points us to 2 studies which reveal the serious and systematic bias among British broadcasters in favour of the government and its allies.

This problem seems to particularly permeate the BBC and ITN news which, according to the Glasgow Media Group Study, show prejudice in favour of Israel and against the Palestinians. Almost three times as much coverage is given to each Israeli death as to each Palestinian death. Killings by Palestinians are routinely described as “atrocities” and “murders”, while Palestinians deliberately shot by Israeli soldiers have been reported as “caught in the crossfire.”
..Both networks regularly claim that the US government is seeking peace in the region while omitting to mention that it is supplying some $3 billion a year of military aid to Israel.

The British press show the same bias too. One BBC journalist admitted they were told not to provide "explainers", which might account for the fact that in one of the groups of viewers the researchers interviewed, the people who said that the occupied territories had been illegally occupied by the Israelis, were outnumbered by those who believed they had been occupied by the Palestinians!

Far from relaying the actuality of situations to the public, it seems the British media are complicit in portraying the world the way our "leaders" want us to see it. They mould our very own Matrix.

Italian Law Forces Women To Choose Abortion

2004-07-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

Approved earlier this year, a new law bans both freezing and destroying embryos, limits to three the number of oocytes that can be fertilised, and states that ALL the created embryos must be transferred to the womb.
This does not affect the law which allows termination of a pregnancy up to 24 weeks in cases of serious illness, such as beta-thalassaemia.

Pre-implantation diagnosis can identify an affected embryo but is illegal. One couple, both of whom are carriers for beta-thalassaemia, argued (and lost) the case against implanting an embryo shown to be affected, which they would later abort under the "serious illness" law. Whether or not you agree with the issue of termination, the logic of this argument in these circumstances, seems undeniable. Shame the judge couldn't see it.
The couple lost their pregnancy, a month after the court decision, when she suffered a gastric haemorrhage, thought to be due to stress.

More recently; another Sicilian woman was forced to have all three embryos implanted as per the new laws, and then had to abort one of them because of health risks. In this case the court ruled that to continue with the triple pregnancy would pose a significant risk to the mother's life; thereby forcing the woman to choose abortion, instead of allowing only two embryos to be implanted in the first place. Clearly this is a law which needs to be improved.

ASRWU - part fourteen

2004-07-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

The following day we had hoped to be supercool and cultured, and catch an exhibition at the Institute of Contemporary Art. Unfortunately it was closed that day.

Unexpectedly free for the morning, we strolled around until we couldn’t feel our faces and then entered the nearest mall. Most malls I’ve encountered in America are the same; formulaic, functional, soulless buildings. This soulless building had an additional extra (at a price, of course) – a skywalk. For $7 you can have an ear-popping lift ride to experience a bird’s eye view of the city.

ASRWU - part thirteen

2004-07-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

As a bonus at the HMNH we got to see and touch a snake – at a sort of show and tell, aimed primarily at kids I guess. So I enjoyed it. Of interest also was the mineralogical and geological museum, for those who like pretty, coloured rocks. And let’s face it, who doesn’t?

After all this educational activity we needed a coffee break. We found a sweet wee cafe in a bookstore nearby (I forget the name of it), where we engaged a young Bostonian in conversation about the freakishly inclement weather. It seemed to be the topic on everybody’s mind that weekend.

That evening we ventured to the local cinema to spend our hard-earned cash on two $10-tickets (yes, that’s right, $10 per person - I had to pick my jaw up off the floor) to see Tim Burton’s 2003 fairytale Big Fish. All I can say is, I’m glad I really, really enjoyed the film. I had always liked Tim Burton as a director (Edward Scissorhands, Batman, and The Nightmare Before Christmas were all captivating for me) but since this latest offering, I love him.

world's worst humanitarian crisis

2004-06-29T08:31:00.000-07:00

I've been starting this entry for weeks now. Each time I begin to think about what is happening in Darfur, my blood curdles, my insides convulse with anger, the tears well up, and the thoughts paralyse my brain. And so I can't think of what to say. How do you write about such inhumanity when you feel so helpless to do anything about it?

Millions have been forced out of their villages, and hundreds of thousands are dying. The Sudanese government are complicit in this genocide which is fast becoming a repeat of Rwanda. The Janjaweed militia have massacred men, women and children, and those left; the refugees in Darfur, are starving to death, encircled by these gunmen who kill any men and rape any women who dare to venture out to forage for food. MSF report that they see at least five girls every week who have been raped, some as young as 12. Given the cultural reluctance to report rape, the actual figure is thought to be much much higher.

1 million will die of starvation unless they get the billions of dollars of aid that they so desperately need. With the monsoons drawing closer, many more will be cut off from aid. In the capital, Khartoum, the foreign minister, Mustafa Osman Ismail, told the Guardian: "In Darfur there is no hunger, no malnutrition, no epidemic diseases."

1 in 4 children in southern Sudan do not reach their 5th birthday. Women have a 1 in 9 chance of dying in pregnancy or childbirth. Healthcare is provided almost solely by outsiders. In rebel-controlled areas there are a measly 1500 hospital beds to service a population of eight million.

The biggest cause of death of children in Darfur is pneumonia in which malnutrition is a contributing factor. Last month saw a Sudanese outbreak of the lethal Ebola virus, Malaria is common, as are diarrhoeal, sexually-transmitted, and respiratory infections. There is an, as yet, unidentified disease that is killing and paralysing scores of children. I could go on and on. The UN describes the situation in Darfur as the world's worst humanitarian crisis.

I don't know what I can do, other than support the charities appealing for funds to assist people affected by the fighting in Sudan. Here they are: Care International, Medecins Sans Frontieres, Oxfam, Save the Children (UK), Unicef, UNHCR, World Food Programme.

Bush Goes Mental

2004-06-22T11:37:00.000-07:00

It's official. Bush has unveiled an ambitious plan that aims to screen the whole US population for mental illness, and to integrate mentally ill patients fully into the community by providing services in the community, rather than institutions according to a recent progress report.
Bush set up a New Freedom Commission in mental health in 2002 which found, unsurprisingly, that mental disorders often go undiagnosed, and recommended screening for consumers of all ages. This included even pre-school children.

The commission recommended linkage [of screening] with treatment including state-of-the-art treatments using specific medications for specific conditions. The commission commended a Texas Medication Algorithm Project as a model medication treatment plan.

Sounds like Bush is finally doing something for his people? Something worthwhile, good and right? Think again.

The Texas project promotes the use of newer, more expensive antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs; which have not been shown to be superior in efficacy to older, cheaper drugs, verified by studies in the US and UK which suggested that it makes more sense for older drugs to be used first. Key officials with influence over the medication plan in one state received money and perks from drug companies with a stake in the medication algorithm.

There's more:
Olanzapine (sorry, I only use generic names), one of the atypical antipsychotic drugs recommended as a first line drug in the Texas algorithm, grossed $4.28bn worldwide in 2003 and is Eli Lilly's top selling drug. So what? Well, George Bush Sr was a member of Lilly's board of directors and Bush Jr appointed Lilly's chief executive officer, Taurel, to a seat on the Homeland Security Council. Lilly made $1.6m in political contributions in 2000 — 82% of which went to Bush and the Republican Party.

And also:
The companies that helped to start up the Texas project have been, and still are, big contributors to the election funds of George W Bush. Bush is the clear front runner when it comes to drug company contributions. According to the Center for Responsive Politics, manufacturers of drug products have contributed $764 274 to the 2004 Bush campaign through their political action committees and employees, far outstripping the $149 400 given to his chief rival, John Kerry, by 26 April.

Well we find, unsurprisingly, that Corruption and Backscratching, though often undiagnosed, are still prevalent and thriving in Bush's newest plan.

ASRWU - part twelve

2004-06-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

So after a heavy dose of M launching into a breakfast homily on the difference between ownership and possession, as metaphorically displayed in some Indian movie he was harping on about, we felt ready, almost keen, to embrace the freezing Boston air.

The T-trolley, or “T” as it is commonly known, is a subway that facilitated our escape from suburbia. Apparently it is the oldest subway in the country and thought to be one of the best.

First stop for us was the Glass flowers exhibit at HMNH (Harvard Museum of Natural History) $7.50
The Glass Flowers are a unique collection of over 3,000 models of
plants painstakingly crafted in glass by Leopold and Rudolph Blaschka, father and son. The project spanned five decades from 1886 to 1936. Looking at them, it’s difficult to get your head around – you have to keep reminding yourself that the flowers are actually made of glass. You simply have to marvel at the sheer skill these Blaschka guys had.

fingers in his ears, singing LaLaLa

2004-06-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

I voted for Blair in the last general elections. Perhaps I was being naive when I thought that he wasn't like the usual lying, cheating politicians. It turned out that I was a silly little girl who was wrong. Blair let me down (and the millions of others who voted him in) over Iraq. I don't make the same mistake twice.

In the face of strong public opposition, Blair has continued his unapologetic stance on Iraq on the basis that we, the electorate, have no real alternative. If you look closely, it's funny how much New Labour resemble old Tories. What a profound effect America has had on us (practically speaking, we all know there are hardly any differences between Republicans and Democrats).

June 10th saw the European Parliament elections here in Scotland, and additionally the local elections in England and Wales. Although the EU election results won't be known till Sunday, in local elections Labour have suffered an unprecedented defeat. It is the first time a party in government has finished third (behind Tories then Liberal Democrats) in terms of national share of the vote in local elections.

Are you listening yet, Mr Blair?

Transit of Venus

2004-06-07T20:48:00.000-07:00

This is a bit special. I'm even going to get up early tomorrow. And I really don't do mornings, whenever possible. But, as Walsh said in Saturday's Guardian, for once the astrogeeks are right.

The last transit visible from the UK in it's entirety was 700 years ago, so I repeat: this is a bit special. Even worth missing the Tuesday lie-in for.

ASRWU - part eleven

2004-06-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

It seems I may have been a bit quick to judge Boston as the cosmopolitan, liberal city I’d initially thought it to be. I’m referring, of course, to the recent arrest of Joseph Previtera, a 21 year-old Boston student who donned a black hood and shawl and ascended a milk crate, outside a military recruitment office to protest at the Abu Ghraib abuse.

It was clear from the dangling stereo wires attached to each arm that he was dressed as the Iraqi prisoner who was allegedly forced to balance on a cardboard box lest he be electrocuted. He was arrested after an hour and is facing charges more serious than any US soldier is facing for their role in the actual prison abuse in Iraq.

Isn’t it wonderful this “Land of the Free”?

Frontiers for Médecins Sans Frontières

2004-06-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

A BMJ article this week details how the Israeli army have obstructed medical access to civilians in Rafah.
Dr Butin, local medical coordinator for Médecins Sans Frontières states
our teams, though officially authorised to travel, are having guns pointed at them and their path blocked by tanks....
...I myself was with a group that was shot at, in a tent where we were holding a clinic. The only people there were MSF workers and mothers and their children. Our car was outside, clearly marked, and we had the flag showing. Bullets started coming through the tent and we all lay on the ground. I telephoned the IDF [Israeli Defence Forces] and the fire stopped immediately. The army told us we could leave, but said once we were gone they would continue to fire on the Palestinians.

At least 43 Palestinians were killed during Israeli incursions into the refugee camp on the Egyptian border. In one incident, 10 demonstrators, mostly children, were killed when tank shells were fired into a crowd protesting at the incursion.

DIY daddy

2004-06-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

An Italian businessman has sparked controversy by selling do-it-yourself paternity testing kits, with which men can check their children's DNA without telling their wives.
The kit is on sale for 700Euros (£470:$840)and allows suspicious fathers to take a mouth swab from their child, and send it along with their own swab to a laboratory for genetic analysis. The results are posted or emailed back a week later.

The ethical implications of this are still being debated in Italy, and restrictions on their sale are few. France on the other hand, has banned the kits, amid concerns about potential invasions of privacy. Belgium imposes strict regulations, obliging both parents to consent to the test.

(As an aside, I noticed my (British) keyboard doesn't have a Euro symbol key. Do newer keyboards come with these in place?)

Face / Off

2004-05-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

A team of surgeons in Louisville are preparing to undertake the world's first face transplant. And you thought it just happened in the movies.

their week in pictures

2004-05-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

some 6 pages of early Iraq war photos (but not THOSE photos), I stumbled across while browsing. Astonishing and sometimes disturbing, but fantastic work and I urge you to take a look.

countries visited

2004-05-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

via neill.

One small step for DNA, one giant leap for mankind?

2004-05-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

A microscopic biped with legs just 10 nanometres long and fashioned from fragments of DNA has taken its first steps.

America's "Special Relationship" With Us - part ten

2004-04-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

Boston is not the easiest of cities to navigate. Particularly without a map. Several key roads were closed due to construction works, and the person at whose house we were supposedly staying, didn’t seem to know any other routes. Mind you, he did only move there twenty years ago.

Still, after driving around for an hour and a half, we eventually stumbled upon M’s not-so-humble home. It resembled a huge Victorian townhouse in both architecture and condition. It was big and cold inside, but the outside temperature was minus sixteen, so we were grateful for the relative warmth.
The bedrooms were situated at the top of the house, and were warm and comfortable (as heat rises – thank physics for that). We fell asleep almost instantly, to awake the following morning to face another fiercely frosty day.

Not allowing the cold to freeze our spirits, we barricaded our bodies with layers of clothing and set out to explore the city. I have to say that of all the places I’ve been in America (including Ohio, Florida, San Francisco, LA, New York and Michigan), Boston is my favourite. The reasons for this are difficult to articulate.
There’s something about the atmosphere, the vibe; it’s just not quite so, well, American. I guess it’s the cosmopolitan nature of the place that appeals. Apparently – and we were told this on several occasions – Bostonians have a reputation for being rather unfriendly and aloof. We saw no evidence of this.

From the moment we were welcomed into our host’s abode, we felt right at home basking in his hospitality. We did have to endure his grandiloquence though. And, boy, could he talk.

Ten Years Later: Women are Dying and the World is Still Watching

2004-04-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

Do you remember April 1994? Rwanda was in the grip of Genocide. The Tutsis and some moderate Hutus were being killed - no, not just killed; they were hacked to death with machetes or clubs studded with nails; burned alive; thrown and buried alive or dead in pit latrines or mass graves. A million people were slaughtered in a hundred days of genocidal frenzy. Women, who weren't murdered, were forced to watch their families being killed, and were then systematically raped and kept as sex slaves, or sexually mutilated as a strategic weapon of war.
What did the world do? You got it; zip; zilch; nada; not a damn thing.

The London-based Survivors' Fund SURF have launched a campaign for reduced-cost AIDS drugs for Rwandan genocide survivors. Thousands of survivors are now dying of AIDS ten years later. The gang-rape during the massacres left 70% of Rwandan widows HIV positive.

Blair states that if Rwandan genocide was to be repeated then western nations would have an obligation to intervene, but what is being done NOW to help those who are still dying as a result of the genocide?
You got it.

The official channel for American aid USAID particularly mentions prisoners convicted or suspected of participating in the genocide as a target group for HIV testing and counselling. Even the leaders of the genocide who are facing justice at the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda in Tanzania, routinely receive antiretroviral treatment. The British government has pledged £200 000 over two years to treat genocide witnesses with AIDS but has not offered treatment to the wider population of rape victims.

If you want to help then please sign the petition on the SURF website.

America's "Special Relationship" With Us - part nine

2004-04-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

It became clear once we’d set off that Mr Moustache had either hallucinated his seated companions, or was simply a big fat hairy pants-on-fire. Oh yes, make no mistake, we were “flying the friendly skies”.

We continued to make friends like this once we’d arrived at our destination. It was about midnight when we loaded up the rental car and embarked on our journey to Boston. Hmm, driving on the right – now that’s a novel idea. Within 5 minutes of being on the road we had managed to procure the interest of the local law enforcement officers. They pulled us over and, just like in the movies, waddled across to our car for “licence and registration sir”.
My husband dutifully produced his driving licence and informed the officer of the rental car status. The constable stated that he’d pulled us over because we’d passed too close to his stationery vehicle and proceeded to swerve in the road. It was complete crap.

Anyway, he scanned the UK licence back in his car and came out again to mumble a couple more questions about how long we were in the country, and where we were going, and then wished us a safe trip. And once again, we were off.

Shock Horror! Bush reneges on Doha

2004-04-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

Just look at what this lovable rogue is up to now. I'm not even surprised anymore. Simply disgusted. The Bush administration have been accused of trying to escape the 2001 Doha agreement which promised £8 billion to be spent on cheap AIDS drugs for developing countries.
Apparently he finds there is a quality issue with the cheaper generic AIDS combination pills that have been developed.

Sharonann Lynch of the charity Health Gap said the US government is trying to ensure that the money from the US AIDS relief plan goes to brandname manufacturers. "These objections make no sense. The generic drugs are bioequivalent compounds, and the WHO pre-qualification process uses staff from Canadian and European regulatory bodies that the US recognises."

The cheapest generic combination pills cost about £77 per person per year (under a price agreement negotiated with manufacturers by former US president Clinton.) The same combination from brandname companies costs about £310 per person per year.

In his state of the union address in January 2003, President Bush announced a $15bn programme that was styled the ‘presidential emergency plan for AIDS relief (PEPFAR). Did he fool anyone outside America? Is it any wonder that America is the focus of the rest of the world's hatred?

Bush tells the American public "They hate our freedoms".
We do. We hate the mercenary freedom that America uses to depredate the world, so that the fat cats in America get fatter, and the rest of the world can go hang.

British Universities Ban Freedom of Speech

2004-04-03T21:54:00.000-08:00

This is simply insane. Liverpool and Birmingham Universities have passed motions banning criticism of Israel by speakers on campus. Yet I'm sure they would vow to uphold Article 26 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights which states that "everyone has the right to education".

Israel is denying that basic right to many young Palestinians under occupation, and now we are not allowed criticise them for it? The Israeli army have, in one year, killed 216 students, injured 2,014 and arrested 164. Gaza students registered with West Bank Universities have not been allowed to attend classes. The only passable road to Birzeit University has been routinely closed to Palestinians by an Israeli checkpoint.

Surely every person with a conscience can see that this is, quite simply, wrong. But don't you dare say that out loud on campus. At least not in Liverpool or Birmingham. More evidence that the UK is fast becoming a police state.

America's "Special Relationship" With Us - part eight

2004-03-31T23:56:00.000-08:00

Once aboard the sparsely populated aircraft we scouted out the most spacious seats. Traditionally these seats are located at exit rows, with all the implicit responsibility that this carries. My parents, both mature, responsible doctors, headed for two empty right-hand exit row seats, next to a heavily moustached man. As they approached, the moustache man muttered that the seats were already taken. So instead they chose the left-hand exit row, only to find themselves instantly besieged by an overly made-up bottle-blond Barbie posing as a stewardess.

“Oh er you guys able to pahform ayxit row doodies?” drawled Flight Attendant Barbie.
She was one of those women, you know the type, all teeth and hair and too much make-up. It’s revolting, but you can’t take your eyes off the thick layer of frosted pink glop smeared across her lips. All you can focus on is her exaggerated mouth movements; the actual words would’ve escaped you even if they were comprehensible to start with. In this situation there is really only one appropriate response.
“Pardon?” My dad asks.

Barbie perfects her condescending stare, and slowly, deliberately, and loudly drawls, “DA.. YOU.. SPEYK.. AYNG-LESH? DES.. THE LADY..” – referring to my mother - “SPEYK AYNG-LESH?”
Obscured from sight and silently fuming, I shake my head, roll my eyes, and bite my tongue.
My dad just smiles back and says “English; we can manage. It’s American that might pose a problem.” And laughs.
My dad always laughs at his own jokes.

non-autonomy and the "best interests" defence

2004-03-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

Whilst the Bush administration continues to manoeuvre against a woman's right to abortion, we are reminded again of America's stance on the unborn, as a mother in Utah is charged with first degree criminal homicide for failing to undergo a Caesarean section on medical advice, resulting in the stillbirth of one of her twins. This situation will undoubtedly leave its imprint on history, alongside a residue of complex ethical questions.

It seems indisputable that the Caesarean section was medically indicated, and that she should have undergone the procedure. But she didn't. And now she faces a 5 year custodial sentence? For homicide of someone who hasn't yet been born?

Do the unborn have any status? When? At what stage of development? With the medical ability to keep alive foetuses at increasingly earlier stages of development, despite a hugely deficient quality of life and no semblance of normality, who decides what is ethically acceptable? We are talking about non-autonomous patients' rights. Who defends the rights of these patients? As a doctor you have to do what you believe is in the best interests of your patient, if they are unable to make that choice themselves. But what happens when there are 2 patients- mother and foetus- and conflicting views?
But I digress slightly.

The woman herself has a psychiatric history. Was she mentally evaluated after refusing to undergo a Caesarean despite having been informed of the risks to her pregnancy? Was she neglected? Why wasn't a court order sought to protect the interests of the unborn?

In the same publication, I also read about how a court found that hospital staff breached another non-autonomous patient's human rights by giving diamorphine to ease his distress, but because it was against the mother's wishes, this act had violated the patient's rights.

Seems to me, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

ASRWU - part seven

2004-03-20T10:04:00.000-08:00

After a few days, we had to get the hell out of there. We took a flight from Columbus to Manchester (New Hampshire, not old Lancashire). All 4 of us had been “selected by the computer for secondary search”. Interesting, that. Even their computers are against us.

This was a very thorough security check conducted by the now-obligatory stony-face of a misanthrope, who spent 5 minutes just trying to open my lip balm. Obviously not wanting to display his near-defeat at the hands of my make-up, he then proceeded to open everything else in my bag. I think he wanted to be acknowledged as some kind of Opening Things expert.
So in his honour, here’s a list of things he successfully opened:

Mascara – black Clinique Naturally Glossy

Lip Balm (eventually) – Fresh! Raspberry flavour mmm

Book – Scar, The - by China Mieville (not sure what he was looking for in here - inspiration perhaps?)

Compact powder – Clinique Honey

Liquid Eyeliner – black Estee Lauder

Lipstick – Ruby and Millie (but SO not his colour)

Wallet (doesn’t really count as it was falling apart anyway) - Paul Frank; containing x amount of dollars/ a Scottish twenty pound note/ duty free receipt/ 2 pound coins/ various debit and credit cards/ Boots Advantage card with 1090 points/ Medical Defence Union card/ 2 first class stamps/ photo of hubbie on our wedding day

Camera case – containing… yep a camera, and not a single incendiary device in sight

Drawstring Pouch – containing wide-angle lens

His downfall however, ha ha ha - came with my cute, stubborn, little mobile phone. If only it had been a drawstring – he could do those quite well. In any case it was not exactly the Krypton Factor. So now it was my turn; I put on my best patronising smile and sweetly said “it just slides open, see” – Woohoo, me and my Siemens – together we’re unbeatable.

America's "Special Relationship" With Us - part six

2004-03-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

Cats, on the other hand, I can handle. They lower blood pressure, are really cute, and kill far fewer people. I’ll even go so far as to say they’re good for you (if you can forgive the whole toxoplasmosis issue). My brother dwells alongside 2 cats too. I think he’s building an ark on the sly. It was great to see my brother and his wife, but with 6 people (parents were here too), 2 dogs, 2 cats and a fish all residing in just 2 rooms, it became a tad cramped and claustrophobic.

So we spent the days outside, touring the various sights and eateries in Ohio. It was here that I fell in love with the cheesecake factory. Why, oh why, for the love of god (who apparently has favourable odds on existing) do they not have this back home? It’s a cholesterol-loaded, heart-stopping version of paradise.

Ohio; interesting state. By “interesting”, I of course mean “boring as a drill bit”. In winter there’s not a whole lot to see. Just bleak expanses of nothing in every direction. Browsing through the malls, it felt like a ghost town; we didn’t pass any other bargain-hunters at all. Still, it beats struggling through the fighting throng on Oxford Street at Xmas.

what g'wan

2004-03-13T10:11:00.000-08:00

I spotted an interesting article the other day about how young people face being overlooked for jobs because of their inability to speak English properly. For a bit of a giggle there's also a teenspeak quiz to see if you're really in touch with kids...

wacky races

2004-03-13T00:09:00.000-08:00

So did you hear about the million dollar robot race across the Mojave desert?

ASRWU - part five

2004-03-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

It’s not an exaggeration to say that I used to have a dog phobia. Whenever I encountered canis familiaris I used to get the works – sweaty palms, palpitations, intense fear, chest tightness. I couldn’t go near a dog, let alone touch one. I used to cross streets or change direction to avoid coming into close proximity with a dog. To me, they were ugly, vicious furballs with big sharp teeth and a craving for human flesh. And yet here I was in the same car with not one, but two – yes TWO! – of them.

But then I’m better around dogs than I used to be. These days I can bear to pass them on the street, without having to run squealing to hide behind some handy bystander. I even took the huge leap of stroking my friend’s dog 2 years ago. True, I was intoxicated at the time, but still, what an accomplishment! These days when on housecalls, I don’t even shout through the letterbox to warn patients that I won’t enter their domicile unless the dog is locked away. That’s progress.

People often ask me if I had a bad experience with dogs as a child – I can’t recollect such an incident. But that’s the thing with phobias isn’t it? They’re totally irrational by definition. Mind you, is it so unreasonable to be scared of creatures that are responsible for 5 hospital admissions per day?

In Australia 1,671 A+E admissions occurred in one year for dog-bite related injuries.
From 1979 to 1994, attacks by dogs resulted in 279 human deaths in the United States.
In January 1995, a 2-year-old boy in South Dakota wandered onto his neighbour's property, where he was attacked and killed by two wolf-German shepherd hybrids.
In September 1995, a 3-week-old baby in Pennsylvania was killed in her crib by the family Chow Chow while her parents slept in the next room.
In March 1996, an 86-year-old woman in Tennessee went outside her house to check the weather and was fatally mauled by her neighbour’s two rottweilers; the dogs had attacked and injured the woman 1 month before the fatal attack.

This isn’t slipping away peacefully in your sleep. These are all painful, flesh-ripping, terrifying deaths.

Most large dogs are capable of bone-snapping jaw pressures of 200 to 450 pounds per square inch. Pit bull jaws can exert nearly 1,500 pounds/sq inch of pressure.
NOW tell me I’m crazy for being scared.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

No Smoking Day

2004-03-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to acknowledge today. Well done to those of you who stopped, but can't help feeling that it only serves to deprecate those who tried and failed...

ASRWU - part four

2004-03-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

I guess what comes of living on an island is that you never find yourself on a flight that doesn’t have life vests. So it was a little unnerving when we were told that in the event of landing on water, we could use the seat cushion as a flotation aid. No life vests on this jet. My anxieties usually dissipate as soon as we are airborne – I love flying – up in the air I’m untouchable; face glued to the window gazing at the gorgeous clouds, a sense of peace and joy surges through my flesh colonizing every cell. It’s different at night, though no less engaging. Cities’ skeletons traced in neon; one dynamic display pointing to the next with its twinkling finger of lights. The sight illuminates your soul.

Our cabin crew was Carol. The flight attendant was like your friend’s mum – very maternal, a little overweight, with big rosy cheeks. She sat at the front; took drinks orders from there. An abundance of pretzels followed; most of which we hid in the front pocket whilst Carol wasn’t looking.

We arrived in Cleveland shortly after 10pm (local time) to be met by the familiar smiling faces of my brother and sister-in-law, and then had to endure the 2 and a half hr cramped car journey to Marysville alongside 2 very smelly dogs. There are 2 types of people in this world: dog lovers, and the other kind. I belong to the latter group.

Hope is a Thing with Feathers

2004-03-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

My little brother, after reading my old blog entries, asked me if I ever wrote anything happy. So the moon thing was for him really. But I also have this Benrik diary, which is a bit of a giggle, and remembered that on Friday it instructed me to learn a poem by heart - something I haven't done since school. It was really lovely - I mean the act of learning the poem, rather than the poem itself. So anyway- here it is - written by Emily Dickinson, and memorised by me:

Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings a tune without words
And never stops at all.

And sweetest, in the gale, is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That keeps so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land,
And on the strangest sea,
Yet never, in extremity
It ask a crumb of me.

Fly Me to the Moon

2004-03-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

There was a beautiful full moon last night. It was one of those huge stunningly bright moons - you know when the moon is kind of low in the sky and looks like you could reach it if you only kept driving for a while. You could make out grey shaded areas where a hundred craters were probably resting, just peering back at us. The sky was clear and a velvety black in contrast. It was so serene, and for a moment as I stared at the moon, nothing else existed. And for a moment, everything in the world was right.

ASRWU - part three

2004-03-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

Eventually we made it to the gate and were first to board – due to our newfound upgraded status. I’m telling you, business class is definitely THE way to travel (particularly when you don’t have to pay for it). I tried not to feel like an imposter as we sipped on complementary champagne, whilst other passengers boarded the flight. We each had a small free bag of goodies containing the following:

1 pair socks
1 mini toothbrush
1 mini toothpaste
1 padded eyecover thingies for sleeping
1 mini bottle moisturizer
1 packet of 2 tissues
1 toothpick
Length of dental floss
1 mini bottle mouthwash

Hmmm. It occurred to me that there was a prominent dental theme running through this freebie. Ah, it suddenly all makes sense. Now I know why rich people have nice teeth. The airlines care about the teeth of rich people. They get free in-flight dental care. Not like us plebs, who might remember 7 hours into the long-haul that our toiletries bag is packed safely in our checked-in baggage. And so we must bear the burden of bad breath and dental decay. See, that is what separates them from us. Except this time. This time we had the free dental stuff too.
This time, we were them.

I won’t say much about the actual flight except that we were an hour late setting off because 2 boarded passengers collapsed, started vomiting, and had to be removed from the flight. My highlight was stretching my legs out in front of me and still not being able to touch the seat in front. The film I watched was The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which was just as entertaining the second time round.

We arrived in Washington’s Dulles(t) airport 1hr late. The flight crew, though unable to relay any info regarding missed connections, had nevertheless assured us that ground staff would be waiting to direct us accordingly. We disembarked with no information about connecting flights, and discovered there was no sign of any ground staff. In fact, there weren’t even any noticeable signs at all.

This really was the most disorganized airport I have ever known. It was completely chaotic. We eventually stumbled upon the phenomenally long queue for immigration where we were duly interrogated for 2 minutes. It was like one of those quiz-show quickfire rounds. The poe-faced host tried to ask as many questions as possible within the allotted time. Naturally, we came through with a record-breaking 25. And the crowd went wild.
It was kind of crazy that so many people had to have their photos and fingerprints taken, just to enter the country (we Brits were spared this indignity due to the “special relationship”). It really made no sense.

So by the time the immigration conveyor belt had spewed us out the other end, we had missed our connecting flight. This wouldn’t usually be a problem in a normal airport. But this wasn’t a normal airport. Once again there were no ground staff or signs to help us out. After traipsing through from one terminal to another, in a vain attempt to locate ANYONE who knew what was going on, we had to exit the secured area and find the airline desks. Here too there was no kind of queue and people were just pushing in front wherever they liked. Society gone mad!

Finally we got tickets for the last flight out to Cleveland. This entailed going back through security again – we knew the drill by now – remove your shoes / coats / belts etc. You’re allowed to smile at them but make no funny remarks, no matter how amusing they sound in your head, and don’t expect or ask them to smile back. They don’t find that funny.

America's "Special Relationship" With Us - part two

2004-03-01T23:30:00.000-08:00

So where was I? Oh yeah. I was in a queue at LHR. Having selectively passed through the 2nd metal detector, I was standing waiting at a table, opposite a female official who had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, with personality to match. Bulldog rifled through my belongings, and finally, checked my name against the ticket stub.
“Is this you?” she demanded, looking with incredulity at my ticket.
I was momentarily tempted – but this really wasn’t the time or place for sarcasm, and I’m no Samantha Marson. Besides, we had been upgraded to business class, and I wasn’t going to risk that.
Smiling sweetly, I settled for a simple “Yes.”
She looked quizzically, from the ticket to my face, and back again.
“Doctor? You’re a doctor?”
“Yes.”
Then it happened. Bulldog smiled back. Her face didn’t even crack. I couldn’t believe the transformation from snarling bitch to sweetie pie in an instant.
“Just qualified?” she softly asked as if to appease her aching brain.
“No... about 7 years ago” I offered. This one really threw her. She hurriedly flicked through my passport to check my date of birth. I was filling up with inner glee. Partly enjoying her obvious confusion, and partly because every woman loves to feel that she looks younger than her years**. Bulldog proceeded to tell all her colleagues that I’m a doctor, while I stood and smiled; a reluctant exhibit.

**The exception here is when you’re in a professional capacity – and a patient states “you look too young to be a doctor” for the hundredth time that day.

America's "Special Relationship" With Us - part one

2004-02-28T00:36:00.000-08:00

It was early January this year. We were still reeling from the over-indulgence of the festivities. But things would be good. We were going to America! Land of the Free.

As we set off, trundling along in the tube towards Heathrow, it was on my mind that we may be in for a harrowing airport experience; it was, after all, the 3rd consecutive day that BA had grounded its flight to Washington DC in response to a “specific security threat” which somehow never materialised. That’s “intelligence” for you.
Our only glimmer of hope was that we were not flying BA.

Security at LHR was tight, as you would expect, well for all the brown people anyway. One guy stood and separated the line into 2 queues – one of which was being thoroughly searched, while the other just dawdled through to wait at the gate. Guess which line my husband and I found ourselves in? The guy brusquely ordering people about, was "unable to divulge" the criteria for his “selection”, though looking at the two lines it really didn’t take a genius to figure it out.

I’m not saying that they didn’t search any white people – there were one or two token white folk in our queue – but my point is that they searched EVERY single non-white. Now, I know of people who argue that this is necessary because all the terrorists found are non-white (oh and Muslim apparently). Hello??? If you only search brown people you’ll only find brown terrorists. Is this concept so difficult to understand?

So anyway, we were afforded no niceties, as the dour-faced squadron of foragers rummaged through our bags and made us take off our shoes. One zealous woman kept lifting up my shoes – one in each hand – as if there was a small but important discrepancy. Now my travelling shoes were very light, and adding ANY weight to one of them would have been obvious to even the most blatant ignoramus. Wouldn’t it? I'm sure it would, yes. Or would it?

I decided then what I would do. I weighed my shoes when I got home. What do you mean, I’m obsessive? The left one weighed 376g.. and the right.. 375g. Oh my god. There WAS a discrepancy. Well so it seemed, but after I hacked the shoes to pieces in order to find the tiny nuclear device that someone had obviously planted in my footwear, I was left thinking that maybe, perhaps, it was possible that my shoes were just made like that. Hmm, I really liked those shoes too.

Christmas Cheer

2001-01-15T10:37:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm far enough removed from it, I can actually contemplate writing down some of the horror that was casualty at Christmas. I think that clinched it for me. Since then I've been aching to leave. Feeling so desperately unhappy in my work, it's almost palpable. It's like an endurance test - see how much they can take without breaking.
Emotionally, physically, mentally - I'm shattered. But you get this bombardment day after day, night after night. And you just have to keep going. If it was just one night I could have coped without batting an eyelid. As we so often do. But it was the repeated battering every minute of eight to ten hours every night for a week, that will take more than a weekend-off to heal. And yet, that's all we get.

I don't think it is possible to convey how I felt at the time - the accumulation of it all. I'm not going to try. These are just things in my head that I need to get down to obtain some sort of resolution...

bl7 FLASHBACK Christmas eve and I'm doing too much but it's still not enough. I cannot keep up this pace. Patients piling up waiting to be seen and I can't see them fast enough. Feel like I'm chasing my own tail. Am doing the job of (officially) two doctors because the other is off sick. Why are all these people here? Do they have nothing better to do? At least 70% of them don't really need to be here. And I have to put up with the shite off them because they've been waiting 5 hours to be seen for their cut finger which they sustained in a fight. I try to patch them up and ship 'em out and not take any notice of one smartass comment after another. But it wears you down.
I leave exhausted, with the mistaken belief that the next night couldn't be any worse.

It is. More of the above.

I f*ckin hate christmas.

bl8 FLASHBACK Boxing night. And I'm doing too much but it's still not enough. This time there really are alot of really sick people but only one of me. Frazzled doesn't even come close. And a 35 year-old woman who is 4 days postnatal comes in Cardiac Arrest. We try and try - we pound her chest,and shock her again and again - we try for hours but she's gone. Lost one. And I get to break the news to her husband, clutching their 3 year old son and 4day old baby. He is beyond distraught. And so am I.
but I have to leave and see the next punter who moans at me about waiting 4 hours. I escape for 2 minutes to cry in the loos, hidden from everyone - because it is SO unprofessional. We are supposed to maintain our compassion but shed no tears for the lost ones. I'm not superhuman/inhuman. I cry.

bl9 FLASHBACK Dec 27th. I'm doing too much but it's still not enough. We have a 40 year old woman in Cardiac Arrest. ohnonotagain. We try and try - we pound her chest, and shock her again and again. She has a supported downtime of 50 minutes.
Then I can feel a pulse. "I'VE GOT AN OUTPUT!"
We somehow get her back from the brink. She goes to ICU.
Her husband asks "Is she ok?"
"Her heart's now beating but she's far from ok"
She gets wheeled out and we feel superhuman. "Good arrest. Thanks everyone."
But we're not superhuman/inhuman. Several hours later we hear that she dies in ICU. I cry again.

Merry Christmas.

bl10 FLASHBACK Dec 28th. I am sitting in my car, ten minutes before my shift is due to start. I'm in the staff car park and can see the entrance to A+E from here. And I'm repeating to myself "I have to go back in there, I have to go back in there". It takes every ounce of energy I have left, but I dry my eyes and step through those doors again. And I'm exhausted. And I just do what I can. Because it will never be enough.

sick

2001-01-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

Why do the stupidest people in the world come to casualty? Well I've made it 5 months without killing anybody (intentionally or not), and that includes myself. But I am rapidly losing the will to live and becoming too cynical for this age. Good thing I'm going to do a normal job soon, I can tell you. I will escape this falling shite.

Gun Story 2

2000-12-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

A+E snapshot bl6

Minor injuries unit ... soul-destroying stuff ... alleged assault/head injury/alleged assault/sprained ankle/alleged assault/whiplash/...
"Well, doctor, it's my knee. It's been really sore for the past two or three days. No, I haven't had any injury to it. It's difficult to walk."
So he hobbles off to X-ray and hobbles back a while later.
I hold up the Xray against the light, and ponder the curious, radio-opaque, pellet-shaped object which appears to be lodged just above his knee.
"Have you ever been shot?"
"yeah, I was shot in my leg four or five days ago" he says showing me a healing wound just next to his shin.
"And you didn't think to mention this before??"
"Anyway, you'll have to be admitted to have that surgically removed.."
"You're JOKING!"
"No."
"Oh. Right. ... Well, .." he mumbles, barely audibly "what about the ones in my chest and shoulder?"

Gun Story

2000-12-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

A+E snapshot bl5

"There's been a drive-by shooting... we were just waiting for taxis, and some guys drove past and opened fire on the queue"
But wait a minute. This isn't America. This is B*lt*n. For f**k's sake. We don't have guns. And certainly not semi-automatics.
It was some blokes who couldn't get into a nightclub, apparently went and got their *revenge*.
They were caught when one of them went back to collect his car from the nightclub carpark, and one of the bouncers recognised him... DOH!
No-one was killed.

The Handy Man

2000-11-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

A+E snapshot bl4

A man walks into the department with his friend. And yes, he WALKED in. His friend is pale, and clutching a heavy plastic carrier bag. But the Man is definition of pale itself. whiter than white.
Except for a big bright red towel he is holding at his shoulder, no wait, that's not a red towel is it?
It's actually a pale green towel that's wearing half the man's circulating blood volume.
"...help... I think I've cut off my arm"
ohmegod.
He lies shocked, on the trolley whilst staff scurry about resuscitating him.
He trapped his arm in a machine that usually cuts the heads off chickens before they go to sainsbury's/asda/randomsupermarket.
"Where's the arm?"
His friend holds up the carrier bag and you can see he's desperately trying not to vomit.
"get it in ice quick"
Another doctor outside hears that a "major trauma" is in the resus room, and , being the helpful sort of person he is, pops his head round the door to ask "do you need a hand?"

A+E snapshot bl3

2000-10-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

A woman walks into the department, registers herself at reception, walks to the waiting area, and sits down. I go into the waiting room and shout her name. She gets up and walks behind me, following me to the treatment quadrangle. She takes a seat. It is 4.28 am.
"What's brought you into hospital today?"
"I can't walk"
"Hmm... but you just walked in here"
"Ugh. That's only a short distance. I can't walk a long way"
"Why? What's the matter?"
"You tell me, you're the doctor"
"Please don't waste my time, we are very busy. What do you feel wrong with your legs?"
"HUH. PAIN OF COURSE" She now speaks in capitals. Loudly. Meanwhile I am trying to suppress my irritation.
"And how long have you had this pain?"
A long loud silence ensues.
"Are you going to answer my question?"
Another silence. Only shorter.
"Well what are you going to do about it?"
"I can't do anything until I figure out what is causing it. I can't do that unless you answer my questions."
"SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"
"ANSWER MY QUESTION!"
Silence.
I am now secretly praying for a divine sledgehammer to come crashing down on her. See I told you God doesn't exist.
"If you won't answer, you may as well leave now. I have asked you a civil question. How long have you had this pain?"
"FIVE YEARS. THERE!"
"So this is not an accident or an emergency. If this pain has been going on for 5 years, you need to go and see your GP. This is an Accident and Emergency department. You do not appear to have an emergency. You can leave now."
She refuses. I inform her that security have been called to escort her off the premises.
Later I find her past A+E notes. During her last attendance she was found to be urinating in a car park in front of children...
This job gets more special everyday.

Heart Disease

2000-09-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

A+E snapshot bl2

"what's brought you into hospital today?"
"It's my heart doctor... I had an ECG 2 weeks ago"
"And what's the matter with your heart?"
"Well, since then there's been no heartbeat. I'm dead."
"Ah, I see."